I want to be the woman....

I want to be the woman who came to Jesus' feet.
Who didn't look at her surroundings, the distractions & the critical peeps
Who didn't count the cost of the purfume or the criticism.
Whose open weeping & repentance showed acute awareness of her spiritual state she was in.
Who was forgiven in full, saved through faith, sent in peace.
A woman who left with riches no one could seize.
A beautiful woman.

Luke 7:36-50 relays the 'story' of this woman, an obviously well-known "sinner" to the religious hierarchy of the day. I read it this morning with fresh eyes & found myself envious of her simple act that is so profound. Today, I am thoroughly weary. I long to just stop. The next act of service & kind word & even genuine prayer doesn't come easily. My heart has been slowly bound by the thinnest threads of resentment, hurt, exhaustion, distraction & complacency. On a day like today, I long to be like that woman who simply falls to the feet of Jesus, giving him everything & arises a new creation. Refreshed, renewed.

Me, Myself & I

It's been a long time since I have posted on here. When I told myself, "hey, even if you don't write more than quarterly it's better than nothing!" Hm. more like bi-annually at this rate. In any case, the last few months has been a roller coaster in many departments. Stress. Stress, stress & more stress. Seems to be a semi-permanent state lately. I know I need to deal with it in a healthy way, but finding that way & diligently adhering to it is another thing all together. I think this is a problem that many people face.

Originally, I thought that stress was simply not trusting in God, taking burdens upon me which simply were His to carry. I think that to a point this is true, but stress is much more than that. We weren't designed to live in a world of continual stimulation -sound, electronic devices, increasingly heavy workloads, alarm clocks that yank us from bed while still dark -and I am really starting to notice the effects that it's having on me.

Balance is another word that typically comes up in conversations about stress. What does that mean for me? I am commencing on a journey right now to see how I can identify stress & limit it in my life. Also, to combat the effects of it I hope to make a list of things that "counter" the effects of it. 

I recently watched a documentary by National Geographic called, "Stress -Portrait of a killer." It talks about how animals only use the stress or fight/flight reaction when in dire situations -for example a zebra being chased by a lion activates this fight/flight reaction, but it turns off when the ordeal is over & the zebra safe. We create psychological stresses  in our minds that keep stimulating us, there is simply no break from them. The long term effects of stress were also looked at in this film, including digestive, cardiac & immune system problems, weight gain, etc etc. There was a study done of caretakers (primarily moms) of special-needs kids & I was surprised to learn that for every year they care for their special needs child, the amount of stress incurred erases approx. 6 years from their life. That's crazy!

I need to take care of myself so that I can take care of the family God has blessed me with. Not a super-spiritual message, but a much needed one -if only to myself!

I am having one of those days today

I am having one of those days today. Well actually my day started to go south last night. My oldest was caught with her light on & reading not once, but twice. Hmm…not a big deal you initially think –and rightly so. However it’s occurring with increasing frequency & really affects her school the next day. So, I decide fine. She wants to stay up, she’ll be exhausted & sleep late and not get her school done in time to visit with her best friend who just returned home after 2wks away. She will see direct consequences of her actions.

My plan for effective, non-confrontational discipline started to go awry about 3am, when the dog woke me up because she needed to go out….which led into me hearing Jana (the littlest) crying then deciding to stay up for an hour with me. Being the ever productive sort of person that I am, I try & make lemonade out of it & make John’s sandwich while I am up with her so I don’t have to getup @ 5, when he does. I returned to my blissful state of unconsciousness & awoke @ 8:00! What, 8am? Me? Whose favorite hours are 5:30-7:30 in the morning. Yes, and I am absolutely bagged tired, with a bad headache. I go upstairs & discover Eva (9) bright eyed & bushy tailed endeavoring to bless me with the making of scrambled eggs, toast & cut up fruit.

You know, it’s so hard to be cheery when you see this. I love her heart so much and she is so confident in her abilities –you just can’t buy that sort of stuff. But I groaned inwardly at the excessive bowls & frying pans, etc. used. Cast iron frying pans that I will doubtlessly have to scrub.

So we get through breakfast, my head feels like it has a balloon being inflated inside it, but I try to smile or at least not growl at my wonderful offspring, one of whom insists on rubbing her planter warts on the other kids. I try & pray silently, thankfully, but it’s all static. I didn’t get my God Time this a.m. and that is not a good thing. You see, for me it’s not a matter of me making Him a priority or making time for Him in my life & reading, etc. It’s a matter of if I don’t I am usually doomed (& consequently my kids) to a day of impatience, inverted priorities & ineffectiveness.

I decide to cancel the visit I had planned with another homeschooling families house at 10:00. It is not going to happen. Nobody wants to be around me the way I am and there is too much for me to do to be anywhere close to on time –which I need to be to get back here for Jana’s nap. But I cannot find this ladies phone # to cancel. Anywhere, even 411 doesn’t have it. I spend half an hour looking for it when miraculously, the doorbell rings while I am downstairs & the girls invite in Zoe; the long lost best friend whom Grace was not supposed to see as a “natural” consequence of having slept in because she was up so late last night. Pop! There goes that perfectly articulated bubble. Grace for some odd reason had no intention of sleeping in & all the girls are chatting excitedly as only girls can. The upside to this is that Zoe can run home & get me the phone number I need to cancel. Yay. Everyone is occupied with Zoe’s stories of a faraway land called Florida so I figure I can sneak to me bedroom for some of that much needed God Time. Wrong. As I try reading, focusing my mind, my intentions on connecting with my Maker, attempting to feel the peace that surpasses all understanding Jana comes downstairs just as pleased as punch she has stolen her sisters binoculars unnoticed. She is so proud as she wordlessly climbs on my bed, beaming with her drool & little pigtails half out. Then she chatters, telling me all about how she got them, what it means to her, blah, blah, blah…and the God Time disappears. Poof! Gone! But just maybe He doesn’t care so much right now about me being able to perfectly fix my mind on him, wholly surrendered. Maybe He cares more about treating the child He has entrusted me to raise with love & respect, building her up. It’s hard for me to take this path; I am a very linear person, my mine works in lists, usually it goes: 1. Get God Time. 2. Get me time. 3. Can go out & be a good parent & change the world or whatever.

Maybe He is trying to work that out of me.

Even as I write this I have been peppered with interruptions. My computer has spontaneously printed off this blog @ least 3 times & I have no idea why, kids come to me with “Are you bringing me a monkey back from Costa Rica?” “Can I wear a dress today?” “Mom, she isn’t helping me clean the kitchen!” And just clingy-ness & whining from a Jana who is fast approached tired. Currently I am hearing a song from “Phantom of the Opera” that Grace & her friend are set on perfecting. They are also building some sort of stage upstairs for a near-future performance for an audience of 1 –me.

Laundry is not put away. Office Day yesterday shrank to 15 min of me desperately trying to make phone called & modify my calendar. Kitchen Day…well nothing on the list that day got done. I have the urge to purge but not the time or energy to carry it out right now. Half of the office/rec room where I am composing this is under construction & I have to drywall & paint this wknd. You get the picture…

I am not intending this to be a whiny blog, I am trying to share what I think He is trying to do to me, to my character in this stage of my life. Perseverance & priorities. I was reading Jeremiah last night. I flipped open & started to read & I read about us being clay in the potters hands. I need to remember that I become more like Jesus not through going to church & joining a Bible study (although those things are of value). It’s just plain old me. How I act, what I think and am I still intent on furthering His Kingdom her today when nobody is watching & listening to me but Him.

A couple of evenings ago, my eldest daughter, Grace, had a conversation with her biological dad (who is extremely unstable & has a distorted view of life). It was painful to hear (yes, I did eavesdrop because she was talking so loudly). She was finally honest with him and told him exactly how his actions were impacting her. I have never been so proud of one of my kids I think. She spoke about forgiveness, about everyone she has had to forgive in her messy life, she encouraged him to read, she asked if she could pray with Him. She calmed him down & kept the conversation level-headed when her dad would go off & get angry. She directed him to Jesus. If you didn’t know who was behind that door you would have thought it was an adult. She shouldn’t have to be in that position, but that is the way things have worked out. I couldn’t have articulated with the grace & ease which she did. It was truly a sermon unto me that make me weep & convicted me. My prayers, the years of investing in her as a person –I am finally seeing the fruit of it! And as I think on that this morning, I am encouraged to keep going, keep slogging it out as a stay-at-home-homeschooling-mom.

God; user of the Unlikely

The last few months it has been striking me, in a rather encouraging way, that the Lord likes -maybe I should even say prefers to use the least likely people & circumstances to accomplish His will. I can think of 2 reasons as to why He works like this…first & foremost for His glory & secondly to increase our faith, to separate His people from those who are simply satisfied to accept the common, believe in the mundane & follow the crowd.

The Old Testament is teeming with examples that display this aspect of God; it was Able, then Seth, the younger brothers who found favor with the Lord; Sarai didn’t have children until she was a senior; Jacob (the younger brother) was the one whose sons founded Israel, and of those brothers it was Joseph (the youngest, from a slave to a ruler) through whom God chose to save His people during times of famine. When Jehovah led His people out of Egypt it was through a sea! When they entered the Promised Land it was during the flood season that they crossed the Jordan River. Need I mention the collapse of Jericho & Rahab’s involvement? The downsizing of Gideon’s army? The choosing of David as king? (the youngest bother in a family of shepherds); That it was King David’s underhanded dealings with Bathsheba & her husband through whom came King Solomon & later the Messiah? In the New Testament, Jesus continues with the theme from the start; conceived of an unmarried virgin, hanging out with tax collectors & prostitutes, the unwanted –the unlikely & shunning the Jewish religious authority of the time.

In fact, the only time I can recall when God chose the most likely “path” to unfold was when Saul was anointed as king over Israel. When the time of judges came to an end, the people of Israel cried out for a king –to be like the other nations. 1Samuel 9:1-2 says of Saul, “There was a Benjamite, a man of standing, whose name was Kish son of Abiel, the son of Zeror, the son of Becorath, the son of Aphiah of Benjamin. He had a son names Saul, an impressive young man without equal among the Israelites –a head taller than any of the others.” Saul was handsome, the eldest & impressive. Yet, what disaster that ended in!

I think that sometimes we, as Christians, forget that God truly does choose & use the unlikely. We get caught up in the lies that we hear…& the lies we tell & perpetuate about ourselves….that we don’t have enough time, money, energy, we’ll be thought of as crazy, we’ll lose friends, etc. if we should choose to follow the promptings from the Holy Spirit. We must keep focused that those are lies, not what the word of God tells us. If He prompts us to do something, it must be because He has a plan. We forget that obedience is key to spiritual growth. We get so wrapped up in being discouraged, isolated & busy, our focus is so inward that we end up missing the point for much of our spiritual journey.

I know for myself this is true, I am learning to have confidence in Him, not in me. I am not outgoing, well-spoken or particularly attractive. I don’t have extra money, resources or time. I have no high-up connections or otherwise areas of acclaim or expertise. YET, Christ is showing me that I need to step out & follow. It’s not about me; it’s about what He wants to do through me! Whether that be to pray with the person with whom He prompts me to pray or do whatever it is he is asking me to do. The latest in this adventure has been an application I sent out a couple of weeks ago to an organization that aids persecuted Christians. I have applied to be a spokesperson for this organization in my area. Do I feel adequate? Absolutely no! Am I quaking inside? Positively. Do I believe that He has a plan and that this is a cause that truly awareness needs to be raised for? Yes! So, I am trying to plunk along & follow Him….and leave the results up to Him –regardless of what happens.

In the eye of Hurricane Life

Life keeps going by at a dizzying speed. Clean, school, cook, activities, making time for husband & each child, reading -it’s a hurricane, but one I am slowly learning to manage. I am The Queen of Unfulfilled Schedules. I don’t know how many chore, allowance, homeschool or other types of charts, schedules & Excel spreadsheets I have made in the past few years. I want something that works, so I am constantly improving, seeing what doesn’t work, what does & trying to make those changes. Unfortunately that makes for a lot of failed attempts. Although I have tried quite a few good ideas, I have found that their doom lies in the inconsistency I get sleep-wise. Now that Jana is 19 mos. & sleeping through the night, I feel like I am finally making headway & able to try again –for real this time :)

 

My biggest challenge has always been keeping things clean. This is compounded by living in 40yr. old house (that  has been under constant renovation since we moved in 5 years ago), having 1 decrepit bathroom that never looks like you clean it  even if you do & the fact that I really wasn’t taught how to keep house in my younger years. Keep house?? What, are you from the 40’s? Well no -maybe the title of Home Manager sounds a little more modern -& applicable too. I recently read the book “Large Family Logistics” by Kim Brenneman. Although I disagree with some of what she has said, I have found a lot of wisdom in this book. One of the things said that struck me was that during the launch of the feminine movement women were so busy exploring their new freedoms that they never learned how to do the basics –keep a household running smoothly, particularly with a large family.  I tend to think that there is an element of truth to this. Mind you a lot more women work outside the home now, therefore creating a whole new dynamic in the division of labour & expectations. That being said, I also know a number of women who really do seem to be on the ball and have a handle on the whole home management thing. I know for myself, I feel like I am forever playing a loosing game of whack-a-mole. My goal isn’t to have a clean house all the time or laundry that’s ironed to a tee or bookshelves that are dust free. My goals lie in what having a house that is somewhat managed allow me to do –it frees me of some stress, wasting time, bugging my kids & husband to do things, allows me to have people over more frequently & hopefully get out of the house more often! I also hope it serves in an unspoken way to let my husband know I love him & appreciate how he gets up early every morning and busts his tail at work for us as well as to give him a place he can relax..

Back to the book. I have been roughly what Kim Brenneman suggests, but in her book she just defined things for me.  She assigns each day a major task, breaking it down into manageable little tasks. Sounds simple. It really worked for me thus far –all of 3 days! The key is not to get distracted, something I think we all struggle with. It’s been good, because being wired to be task oriented as I am I am so busy trying to check off this list that I don’t have time to spend checking my emails excessively, or FB-ing or even snacking….

The way I tend to implement things in our home is that I have an expectation that everyone will be involved, I have a plan of attack so to speak & I delegate & talk with both the kids and John about things (You can see on the chore list below there are things even Ally -5- can do). It’s unreasonable to expect that I alone will be responsible for everything. I have also found meal planning (particularly crockpots!) SO helpful & cost effective. Menu planning as well. I know a lot of these things are common, but they really do work!

Something else that this book hit home with was the way I interact and teach my kids. Is my short words, my temper honoring to God & my family? If I am lazy, slovenly or disrespectful to my kids or their dad they will see that & emulate that behaviour. Well, the book doesn’t actually say that but it got me thinking Most of the time, no. I really got off track with teaching them, my goals need to be character development primarily, knowledge second. 

It was really motivating to hear that she can get all her kids up & going & helping! Surely I can do it with mine! As a Christian women, I recognize that my husband is the leader in our household (although we are equals) but just as important is that I am a leader in the area of home management; of my kids during the day, of finances, of things getting done. I set the tone for the day & when he gets home. In the past week and a half I've started getting up early with John so I can be properly prepared for the day and am finding it's making a huge difference. Anyways, it is Wednesday, & I started on Monday, so we’ll see how things go for the next couple of weeks!

Here are some of websites that I have found to be resourceful in a number of areas:

Large Family Logistics website

Duggar Family Homepage

Allrecipes.com